The Pseudo Christian. . .

“Give your burdens to the lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall”

psalm 55:22

These are words of comfort that i sent to a friend this morning…

When i read them again, I realise they are words of advice that i should probably take heed of myself. Maybe if i had given away the burdens that have dragged me down to the depths like a lead weight, i would not be suffering so. Maybe i wouldn’t feel debilitated from the pain caused by my anxieties. Maybe I wouldn’t be sleeping my days away in attempt to self heal. But then again i guess i wouldn’t be sat here reflecting on the situation i find myself in and on the words that i offered.

The latter part of the verse offers immunity from demise for the godly…

Now i may not be ‘godly’, but i do consider myself a good person; A good human being with morals and principles, A good Samaritan to folk less fortunate than myself. I try to make a difference, even if only by offering a smile to a stranger or the estranged. I suppose traits relatable to those of a good christian. Traits that have been forged through life experience, my early methodist roots and invaluable lessons learnt from observing and working with people at their most vulnerable.

Now i have just began to attend church again after 20 years or so. By no means am i a pious woman, but i do believe in the kindness and love of mankind. I have found great comfort in revisiting my faith and felt humbled being amongst others who are searching for that higher power and those who have found salvation within it.

The first service I attended I felt the love emanate and the kindness that was extended blew me away and instantaneously I felt that I belonged – my faith in humanity was restored. The last service that I attended had a different feel from that of the previous, somehow it felt a lot more intense, even the hymns that were sang were ones that I did not recognise. At the front of the church there were people receiving prayer, the congregation were hugging and pacifying one another. My partner went to receive prayer from the pastor. I observed. The next moment he was on the floor surrounded by others praying over him. Naturally I made my way forward to be with him and I was met by the pastor; he anointed me with oil on my forehead, embraced me and then looked me in the eyes “You are a powerful woman of God; You don’t realise how powerful you are. Now go to him and keep praying”. Emotion was surging through my body and the tears began to flow, I knelt on the floor beside my partner holding his hand with the both of mine. The feeling of love radiated through me and I prayed. I silently spoke hoping ‘he’ was listening “I know i have turned my back on you, but please heal my love and help him find the peace he needs”.

On the drive home i felt strange. I thought about the words that the pastor had said to me and I couldn’t help but feel like a phoney. There had been people there that had devoted themselves to God. Who truly believed, giving their burdens to the lord.

At present i do not feel able to fully dedicate myself wholly, but i will at least maintain a friendship with God. Friendships are an ongoing journey that allow us learn about one another. Friendships grow. In my life i share my burdens with my friends and they help take care of me, and my true friends never permit me to slip and fall. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

2 thoughts on “The Pseudo Christian. . .

  1. Pseudo-Christian is awesome! Gave me goosebumps reading it. Please keep this blog going, its inspired myself and my partner. Much love

    Like

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